It fucking hurts

So it’s been a few days… 5 to be exact. 5 days since I felt the world upon my shoulders, 5 days since the guy who told me he loved me every night before I fell asleep, broke my heart.
It’s not easy and to any teenager that is my age and has a potential boyfriend awaiting them please don’t do it or please be aware that at some stage they may leave and you will feel heart broken, it’s gonna hurt, please just be aware of what can happen.

It had been 9, nearly 10 months since we started dating, things were very serious for us, I told him everything about me. We had been friends for 2 years before the time we started dating. He broke my heart and we are no longer friends. Here I am sitting on my bed, lose of appetite, very sleepless nights and now alone with someone who holds all the secrets that I have never told anyone. He just left. I don’t know why and all I can do is blame myself. It’s my fault that he left and that I can no longer sleep or eat properly. It’s my fault i lost friendships in result of trying to do everything for him. It’s my fault me and my mum started not getting along as much because I wanted to do everything for him. I blame myself for it all, I blame myself for him not wanting me, for me not being enough for him.
I hurt a lot and I can’t even be alone in my own home without all the memories of him being there coming back to me. He meant so much to me, he always kinda assured me I was right for him even when my mental disorders got in the way.

I was wrong and he lied.

The overwhelming ice that lies within me

I like the rain, I like to listen to its pit pattering against my window and the solid ground below. It’s calming, the rain. It gives a sense of relaxation and peace. But when it’s 12 am, the rain is falling hard and you and I haven’t talked, haven’t communicated a single word or glance to each other in days, I don’t feel peace, I don’t feeling the relaxation, instead I feel the hatred. I hear the rain and the sound of it falling to the ground and think and feeling nothing other than hatred of myself. I have tried to be the best I can be, I have built my walls so high trying to block out the negative thoughts so I could be perfect for you, I have tried but it’s easy to see that if you can go days without glancing my way, while I sit here trying to get the confidence within myself to keep building those walls to make you feel like the happiest guy on earth, if you can go days without me, maybe the hate from outside the walls is right, maybe I don’t mean anything to you after all.