You

You,

You admirable,accepted, adventurous, you. You are you.

You beloved, beautiful, blessed, you. You are you.

You creative, courageous, confident, you. You are you.

You desirable, daring, divine, you. You are you.

You excellent, empowered, enthusiastic, you. You are you.

No matter what letter of the alphabet it may be there will always be a word to explain how amazing you really are.

x

Here is the reality

So here I am,

Spread across the two big grandpa chairs my mum and I moved into our house this evening. My last exam of the year finally completed this morning, with a good book, hot chocolate and the happiest cat alive beside me. Here I am. Here I am writing, or more suitably, talking, to you.

These past few days I have started to becoming more secluded from the people around me, these past few days the broken parts of me that I thought were starting to heal, have become large gaping wounds. These past few days I have become afraid of myself and the actions I want to spread deep into my body. These past few days I have become lost, I have become terrified, I have become angry at myself, at the person I am, the paths I am taking and the achievements the people around me are making that I just can not seem to achieve. THESE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE BECOME TO HATE MYSELF ONCE MORE.

I know things are going to get better and I know I am choosing to focus on the negative, I know, I know, you keep telling me all this and I promise I am trying to remember it, i’m trying to remember what you are telling me but heres the thing i’ve had enough. And no I haven’t had enough in the sense that I am being stupid and dramatic and all I need to do is go out there and do something with my time, do the things I love and find myself because yea Im young and blah blah, I’ve had enough in the sense that I have never wanted to be here, I have never looked at my life with appreciation, in fact I look at my life and feel bad. I feel bad that there are so many people who didn’t get a chance at life and here I am telling you all that I just don’t want it.

Look I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to change who I am and my out look on things, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired.

I’m not even sure what this is or why I am writing it to you, I just thought I should update you on how I am feeling as I think that so many people with blogs try to impersonate or create the person they want to be, online and forget to tell people here is the reality, here are the thoughts and feelings that are flooding through ones mind. Here is the reality.

x