What am I trying to do? What are my goals for now? I will get back on path!

It has been very hard these past few days. The depression has decided to kick me in the face once more and whilst I am trying to hide the fact i am drowning in my own self pity from my family and friends that want to have nothing other than a good chat with me, I am trying to put myself back on track so I can be normal, so I can be human with the people around me.

With no other exams left and 3 months away from the hell hole we call school, I am free. I have time to do things for myself and lose myself in the 14 books I have sitting only bed side table that I haven’t cracked into (I will be doing book reviews in the very near future!) I will be seeing my best friend of 6 years whom I haven’t had a good catch up with in nearly a year and on friday seeing another friend who can never fail to make me smile no matter what mood I am in. I’m hoping to get back into human activity and spend time with friends that are trying to understand me but I just prefer to leave in the dark. I am going to be blogging SO much these next 3 months so be very very prepared for that. I am going to try find a job and start taking music lessons again, all of this I am hoping will distract me from myself and focus on living rather than trying to completely erase myself from peoples lives.

I’m sorry for my last few posts… actually no I am not sorry, this is MY blog and I have every right to post what I would like on it. This is a way for ME to express my feelings towards things so no I will not apologise to those who have not enjoyed my last 2 posts but this is my blog lets not forget, you are choosing to read them so I am very much NOT sorry about posting them.

Anyway, I am trying guys. I’m getting my goals set and aspirations started. More posts on a variety of different things coming soon and if you have any recommendations or suggestions of what I should write about feel free to leave a comment.

P.s. I am going to be selling crafts and what not very soon so be sure to check all of that out! 🙂

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Here is the reality

So here I am,

Spread across the two big grandpa chairs my mum and I moved into our house this evening. My last exam of the year finally completed this morning, with a good book, hot chocolate and the happiest cat alive beside me. Here I am. Here I am writing, or more suitably, talking, to you.

These past few days I have started to becoming more secluded from the people around me, these past few days the broken parts of me that I thought were starting to heal, have become large gaping wounds. These past few days I have become afraid of myself and the actions I want to spread deep into my body. These past few days I have become lost, I have become terrified, I have become angry at myself, at the person I am, the paths I am taking and the achievements the people around me are making that I just can not seem to achieve. THESE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE BECOME TO HATE MYSELF ONCE MORE.

I know things are going to get better and I know I am choosing to focus on the negative, I know, I know, you keep telling me all this and I promise I am trying to remember it, i’m trying to remember what you are telling me but heres the thing i’ve had enough. And no I haven’t had enough in the sense that I am being stupid and dramatic and all I need to do is go out there and do something with my time, do the things I love and find myself because yea Im young and blah blah, I’ve had enough in the sense that I have never wanted to be here, I have never looked at my life with appreciation, in fact I look at my life and feel bad. I feel bad that there are so many people who didn’t get a chance at life and here I am telling you all that I just don’t want it.

Look I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to change who I am and my out look on things, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired.

I’m not even sure what this is or why I am writing it to you, I just thought I should update you on how I am feeling as I think that so many people with blogs try to impersonate or create the person they want to be, online and forget to tell people here is the reality, here are the thoughts and feelings that are flooding through ones mind. Here is the reality.

x

All I do is spend $

So i promised you a mini haul so here it is!

Over the past week or two I have purchased things I don’t entirely need (considering I already have 15 pairs of shoes and 2 wardrobes full of clothes) but here they are, hope you enjoy this “haul” and keep in mind i spent my own money on these items (besides the items that were gifted to me)

The first item I purchased Is a jacket I got from recycle boutique. Brief details about recycled boutique, it’s a vintage store that sells clothing on behalf of other people and the people who are selling the clothes/bags/shoes get a sum of that money, etc. It can get quiet pricey in my personal opinion but the clothes there are so awesome and totally worth it. Anyway back to the jacket. I have worn this jacket to death, half denim and I would like to say the top half is cotton (don’t take my word for it) It’s super comfortable and warm and looks great with almost everything, definitely worth the money.

Next item I received as a extremely late birthday present (my birthday is in april.) I’m sure you have all heard a lot about these already but I have wanted one for a very long time so was shocked when my aunty surprised me with one! It’s a black fujifilm instax, it came with a 10 pack of film, carrying case and also a mini frame thing. Very happy and grateful to receive this!

Another item from recycle boutique this time down in Christchurch. Its a black hawks “jersey” (or top depending on what you want to say) with buttons all the way down the front. It was $38 which I was kinda hesitant to spend but I think its worth it.

I found this cute little bookstore when we were in christchurch and I was delighted to see a bunch of old patterns! super cheap and all the pieces are there (so I hope, haven’t had the time to look) but I will definitely be making a bunch of clothes after exams have finished!

The most recent item I got is a pair of Canterbury track suit pants. Absolutely love these pants super comfortable and awesome for after sports. I got these to wear after rowing (if I get in) netball and other sports this year!

Food item! I got this chocolate whilst exploring Wellington and all its little delights I hadn’t ever ventured in to!

Its made by the Wellington chocolate factory and its absolutely delicious! My favourite was the Peru noradino which I accidentally mixed up with the one featured in the photo but even so their chocolate is super delicious! I will have a link to their website down below!

And last but not least is these boots! that I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE! Super cute and comfortable but unfortunately I am unsure as to where they are from as it was like a ending line shop! super good price, down from $200 to $50 absolutely scored!

X

Wellington Chocolate Factory link:

http://www.wcf.co.nz