“Isn’t life great?”

It’s the 2nd month into 2015. I have moved schools again, I am taking 3 sports and learning 3 instruments. I am taking academic and rewarding subjects. It’s my second to last year of college.

If you asked me 5 months ago if I was happy, I would have lied and said yes. If you ask me now if I am happy my response is “isn’t life great” I believe there are reasons for everything, some reasons are just not clear now or ever but if you ask someone else to look at it they might be able to give you that reason.

Sitting here trying to write to you is hard, I keep typing then deleting, typing and deleting, over and over again trying to think of the right things to say. All I really want to say is “Isn’t life great?” It is I promise you that, life truly is wonderful and it may not seem that way at the moment but I promise you life is great. To be alive is so rewarding. Finding your passions, your friends, finding yourself is so rewarding! the endless possibilities, the endless amount of people and places and experiences you have throughout your life, are so… rewarding. An endless achievement. You are having a bad time and you made it through today, get your fanciest shoes or fanciest thing that you own on and celebrate! YOU MADE IT! You did it! No one else did it for you, you did entirely on your own so go out there and shake you booty baby! Turn up the music in your bedroom, put your head phones on, find the loudest speakers you can and jam your favourite song and SHAKE THAT BOOTY! You are amazing! I’m so proud of you!!!!!!

Life is amazing and sometimes all you have to do is shake your booty away from all the other shit!

You made it through today so isn’t life just great?

 x

Welcome… Welcome me?

It’s a new year and yes I am sure you are all sick of hearing the “New year, new me” bullshit but this is it, this is a new year and a new me. This is a post entirely dedicated to me, entirely dedicated to the NEW me.

2014 was an interesting year. I faced many new challenges and was faced with struggles I couldn’t see an end to at the time. 2014 was the year of lessons for myself.

I moved schools, I lost friends and gained new ones all at the same time, I became alone, depressed and tore myself apart, I was so focused on the bad parts and making sure I didn’t have to deal with people I destroyed myself. I involved myself in someone I thought could potentially be “the love of my life” and who I still can not manage to stop loving. I have had so many different lessons this year, it was hard to keep up. As if my life were a race that I was trying to win but couldn’t get past that person thats just that second faster than me.

But after all these lessons and new ways of understanding I have completely developed as a person and 2015 will be a good year, its just up to me to make sure that my own perspective on this is more focused on the positive rather than the negative.

So 2015 be good to me, be good to others but to you who is reading this and to myself, be good to yourself, don’t expect more out of others if you can’t expect it in yourself first. Learn to love yourself, learn to be yourself, keep learning.

x

You

You,

You admirable,accepted, adventurous, you. You are you.

You beloved, beautiful, blessed, you. You are you.

You creative, courageous, confident, you. You are you.

You desirable, daring, divine, you. You are you.

You excellent, empowered, enthusiastic, you. You are you.

No matter what letter of the alphabet it may be there will always be a word to explain how amazing you really are.

x

10 things before time starts

With less than 6 hours till 2015 starts I have decided to write 10 things I am going to do/ achieve next year, so lets get straight into it…

1) I will not allow bad thoughts or feelings to overcome me, my body and my mental and physical health. I will allow positive and constructive things to influence me into creating myself into a better version of myself rather than allow negative things that I used to destroy myself. POSITIVE VIBES ONLY!

2) If I feel something is right and I want to do it, I will in fact do it. No more “dang I wish I did that” and more “do you remember the time I did that? That was so awesome!”

3) I will not allow myself to lose friendships because of other relationships

4) Another one that comes off of number 3 is I will not allow the people around me to change me and shape me into the person the want me to be, I will be me and I will allow others to be them!

5) I will get fit (how cliché but seriously I am already working on it)

6) I will take photos of adventures I go on and people I meet to be able to remember those moments

7) I will adventure more and discover the things I love

8) I will work hard into improving myself in the sports I play, the art I do, the posts I write and the subjects I take

9) I will work hard in school and achieve great academic results

10) I will be me. I will be me and only me, I will be happy and yea I will have sad days but future Ella if you are reading this its ok to have bad days but dude get your shit together you made it through 2014 and that was pretty fucking hard, but you did it, you managed it, YOU FUCKING CONCURRED IT GIRL! Make next year your year. You’ve got more experience now than you ever did before so you know you can do it. No more of allowing those people at school to change you and taking away your genuineness. No more allowing a boy to make you feel so insecure and so powerless. No more allowing negative thoughts and feelings and bad shit into your life. This goes out to all of you reading this, This year is time for you to do what you love. Its time for you to be you and feel good about who you are. This is your time, your year, your shine!

I wish you all the best for 2015.

Enjoy lovelies x

lets not beat around the bush… I’ve spent a lot of money

After months of telling myself “when I get money i’m going to save it” I am bring you another haul (who else sucks at saving money?!)

So here are the few things I have collected over the past month, enjoy!

P.s: remember all prices of the items are at the bottom of the post 🙂

Starting with miscellaneous items:

Starting with the most obvious item in the photo we have things for my instax mini camera (haha you thought I was going to say something else didn’t you!?)

Ofc having a instax camera you are constantly having to buy new film, so i found a good deal on film and purchased a box of 50! The second thing in this photo is this little guy (look down below)

This little trinket is a close up/ selfie lens for the instax mini camera. Although not made by fujfilm this lens is absolutely perfect to make the close up photos less blurry and has a little mirror (the thing on the left) to see what your selfie will look like when you are taking it! Only problem I have is not with the lens but with my actual instax camera is that NONE of my film are developing 😡 😡 super annoying and makes me very upset and annoyed that I have spent so much money on the film, etc for the camera and it’s not even working!

Second item is something I have wanted for a very long time! This 1988 caballero old school bored is my new baby, accompanied by bones wheels this is the perfect set up for me! I purchased this board and wheels from a friend at the ramp I skate at but I’m sure if you look around you will find it or something similar!

This little thing is the best purchase I have made this summer! If you can’t tell what it is, it’s a camera, but this is not just any camera! This is a Thomson HD action camera. Both water proof and shock proof, this small touch screen camera is perfect for those summer adventures!

I purchased this early this morning from an op shop/ thrift store in a near by suburb and I have been listening to non stop since I got it (I am currently listening to it while writing this) Great classic and has put me into motivation to start a collection of older cds, buying one classic cd a week!

You can’t have a haul without some clothes!

Starting from left to right lets go through them!

The black blob on the very left is actually a dress. Cute little thin, flowy summer dress thats good for all occasions. I purchased this from cotton on in a XS – extra small and ended up having to unpick and re sew the straps so they would be tighter around my shoulders. The sizing is very strange as I am not usually an XS and this is still quite big on me! But all around its a great summer dress!

Next we have a pale blue long sleeve top that I purchased from an op shop. This top has small flower detailing all over it and the thin light texture of the top is great for summer!

Moving down the bottom of the photo we have a basic white halter top, thats basically it. I will be pairing this with a long blue skirt (I like to call it my nun skirt due to the complete coverage it has) and a strapless bra! Perfect for hot, casual but still cool looking kinda days.

This next item is what I call my Chinese top (sorry if i’m wrong) This top has great contrast throughout it, the top half of the top being plain purple but moving further down the top we are intrigued by the gorgeous gold and pure red embellishments!

And last but not least is a awesome pair of leather boat shoes that I also purchased this morning at an op shop. These mens boat shoes somehow fit my feet perfectly and will be great to just throw on when I’m in a rush out the door.

That is all for my haul but there will be more hauls in the near ish future I am sure hahahaha.

Hope you all have a wonderful day or night!

x

Prices:

instax mini film – $49.95

Instax mini close up/ selfie lens – $10.00

Caballero skateboard – $70

Bones wheels – $20

Thomson action camera – $67

The beatles Cd – $3.00

Cotton on, black dress – $15

Glassons white halter neck – $8.99

Everything is good right now

I’ve been taking time out for myself, I’ve been cleansing my mind and soul by doing the things I absolutely love and i’ve realised I’m ok and the things that hurt me are no longer here.

The summer so far has been incredible. I’ve seen many friends I never used to have time for. I have spent more time in my bikini than I have in regular underwear. I have been to different places on new adventures and treated myself by buying an action camera to take videos over the summer and make a youtube channel. I have done things for me and I don’t think I have ever been happier.

This first photo is of a night when my best friend stayed at my house and after a wonderful day of laughing and swimming and talking about cute boys, I said “lets go for a walk” and to my amazement and complete and utter awe, ending up just down the street at our local beach, we were greeted with the most gorgeous sunset I have ever seen in my life. This photo doesn’t even compare to the site we saw that night and I wish you all were there to experience it with me.

This second photo is from about 2 days ago, my best friend and I decide it was a surf day (mostly me because she isn’t that keen on the water haha) grabbed the boards and out we went. I’ve only surfed once before but I managed to catch my first wave!!! (not standing obviously) but I was very proud of myself and still am hahaha!

This last photo is from a night where me and my mum decided it was time to go out and do something. That night was gorgeous and so warm, so it was the perfect opportunity! Strawberry milkshake for me (mm my favourite) Apple cider for her (which I managed to drink a fair amount of) and a peanut butter brownie to share. We laughed the whole night and got a few looks from people when were cracking up at the most stupid things. It was one of the most calming nights I have had in a while.

This summer so far has been great and I will continue to post photos and updates for you all and also leave a link to my youtube channel once I make one!

I hope you are all doing well and are doing things for you.

x

It’s been a while

So it’s been a while and my lack of posting and the posts that I have done being on the more upset, angry, confused as to why i feel like the weight of the world is upon my shoulders side has resulted in me feeling like I just don’t want to post anything at all! But I have decided to not let that stop me and to keep going.
Updates:
1) I am happier and in a much better headspace
2) I have been missing him a lot but I’m over it haha
3) I am exercising a shit tone more and working towards getting fit and muscley!
4) I am going to post more and better things 🙂

I’m not sure what I want to write but let’s just see where the wind takes us! 😂

X

It fucking hurts

So it’s been a few days… 5 to be exact. 5 days since I felt the world upon my shoulders, 5 days since the guy who told me he loved me every night before I fell asleep, broke my heart.
It’s not easy and to any teenager that is my age and has a potential boyfriend awaiting them please don’t do it or please be aware that at some stage they may leave and you will feel heart broken, it’s gonna hurt, please just be aware of what can happen.

It had been 9, nearly 10 months since we started dating, things were very serious for us, I told him everything about me. We had been friends for 2 years before the time we started dating. He broke my heart and we are no longer friends. Here I am sitting on my bed, lose of appetite, very sleepless nights and now alone with someone who holds all the secrets that I have never told anyone. He just left. I don’t know why and all I can do is blame myself. It’s my fault that he left and that I can no longer sleep or eat properly. It’s my fault i lost friendships in result of trying to do everything for him. It’s my fault me and my mum started not getting along as much because I wanted to do everything for him. I blame myself for it all, I blame myself for him not wanting me, for me not being enough for him.
I hurt a lot and I can’t even be alone in my own home without all the memories of him being there coming back to me. He meant so much to me, he always kinda assured me I was right for him even when my mental disorders got in the way.

I was wrong and he lied.

What am I trying to do? What are my goals for now? I will get back on path!

It has been very hard these past few days. The depression has decided to kick me in the face once more and whilst I am trying to hide the fact i am drowning in my own self pity from my family and friends that want to have nothing other than a good chat with me, I am trying to put myself back on track so I can be normal, so I can be human with the people around me.

With no other exams left and 3 months away from the hell hole we call school, I am free. I have time to do things for myself and lose myself in the 14 books I have sitting only bed side table that I haven’t cracked into (I will be doing book reviews in the very near future!) I will be seeing my best friend of 6 years whom I haven’t had a good catch up with in nearly a year and on friday seeing another friend who can never fail to make me smile no matter what mood I am in. I’m hoping to get back into human activity and spend time with friends that are trying to understand me but I just prefer to leave in the dark. I am going to be blogging SO much these next 3 months so be very very prepared for that. I am going to try find a job and start taking music lessons again, all of this I am hoping will distract me from myself and focus on living rather than trying to completely erase myself from peoples lives.

I’m sorry for my last few posts… actually no I am not sorry, this is MY blog and I have every right to post what I would like on it. This is a way for ME to express my feelings towards things so no I will not apologise to those who have not enjoyed my last 2 posts but this is my blog lets not forget, you are choosing to read them so I am very much NOT sorry about posting them.

Anyway, I am trying guys. I’m getting my goals set and aspirations started. More posts on a variety of different things coming soon and if you have any recommendations or suggestions of what I should write about feel free to leave a comment.

P.s. I am going to be selling crafts and what not very soon so be sure to check all of that out! 🙂

X

Here is the reality

So here I am,

Spread across the two big grandpa chairs my mum and I moved into our house this evening. My last exam of the year finally completed this morning, with a good book, hot chocolate and the happiest cat alive beside me. Here I am. Here I am writing, or more suitably, talking, to you.

These past few days I have started to becoming more secluded from the people around me, these past few days the broken parts of me that I thought were starting to heal, have become large gaping wounds. These past few days I have become afraid of myself and the actions I want to spread deep into my body. These past few days I have become lost, I have become terrified, I have become angry at myself, at the person I am, the paths I am taking and the achievements the people around me are making that I just can not seem to achieve. THESE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE BECOME TO HATE MYSELF ONCE MORE.

I know things are going to get better and I know I am choosing to focus on the negative, I know, I know, you keep telling me all this and I promise I am trying to remember it, i’m trying to remember what you are telling me but heres the thing i’ve had enough. And no I haven’t had enough in the sense that I am being stupid and dramatic and all I need to do is go out there and do something with my time, do the things I love and find myself because yea Im young and blah blah, I’ve had enough in the sense that I have never wanted to be here, I have never looked at my life with appreciation, in fact I look at my life and feel bad. I feel bad that there are so many people who didn’t get a chance at life and here I am telling you all that I just don’t want it.

Look I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to change who I am and my out look on things, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired.

I’m not even sure what this is or why I am writing it to you, I just thought I should update you on how I am feeling as I think that so many people with blogs try to impersonate or create the person they want to be, online and forget to tell people here is the reality, here are the thoughts and feelings that are flooding through ones mind. Here is the reality.

x